Happy birthday to me. I want to write this to document how thankful I am to be here today – with mental health. If I look back to the last 15 months since my mother died, I’m thankful that I’m cognizant of how much I have because I valued none of it last year. I hated my life, my friends, my family and my reality because I couldn’t deal with my mothers death. Nobody could get me out of my funk. Nobody could show my life was worth enjoying. I’ve never known to want to die and I know what that feels like.
I’m thankful to many people and many things along the way. Many were hard knocks. Some were nurturing and shoulders to cry on. But everything contributed to feeling like I’ve come through the worst of it. Have I learned all my lessons? Probably not. I’ve learned some though. One hard one was I can’t ever trust how i feel. So i should stop thinking about it so much. And just, fucking let it go. Everything. Let it go. Letting go never felt better. Holding onto so much rage was exhausting. I still have it. That anger won’t die. But it is there for good reason now so i don’t forget the lessons. And I do almost everyday.
So from my last birthday till now it’s been a long year. A long year of rage and sadness. Where will I be next year?